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volver a alanissopure en español
back to alanissopure in english SUPPOSED FORMER INFATUATION JUNKIE Do
you go to the dungeon to find out how to make peace with your days in the
dungeon writing a letter to you didn´t make me feel any more peaceful than how
i felt when we weren´t speaking because I didn´t cop to what I did. I can´t
love you because we´re supposed to have professional boundaries. I´d like you
to be schooled in an awe as though you were kissed by god full on the lips. I´m
in the front row the front row with popcorn I get to see you see you close up i´m too tired to recount unpleasantries one by one one minute I want to
banish you the next I want to be on a deserted island with you along with my
three favorite cd´s ambivalent yet in your bed we´ve yet to acknowledge what
really happened slid
into the ditch I have this overwhelming loss of ambition we said let´s name
thirty good reasons why we shouldn´t be together I started by saying things
like "you smoke" you live in new jersey (too far)" you started by
saying things like "you belong to the world" all of which could have
been easily refuted but the conversation was hypothetical I am totally short of
breath for you why can´t you shut your stuff off . . . i´m in the front row
the front row with popcorn I get to see you see you close up and I laughed until my lungs hurt I love how yo bust my chops you don´t
always feel seen sometimes you feel erasable unfortunately I cannot reciprocate
in my current state I think we should be careful of how much time we spend
together .
. . for a while while I´m speaking you know how much you hate to be interrupted
maybe spend some time alone fill up your proverbial cup so that it doesn´t
always have to be about you I´ve been wanting your undivided attention I like
the fact that that you´re nothing like me are you not burdened by the lack of
perspective people have of your charmed life (seemingly)? I´m in the front row
the front row with popcorn I get to see you see you close up you never
meant to be ungrateful nor held up to be whipped or wept for certainly not
analysed prodded at more ways than one apparently you´ve been misrepresented
dealing with the concept of arrows being slung towards your outrageous fortune hey
i´m not mad at your guardian i´m mad at myself for spending so much time with
you and your jeckyl and hydeness I´m glad i figuratively slapped you on the
wrist you laughed a wicked laugh and said "come here let me clip your
wings!" (i know his blood but you can still turn him away you don´t owe
him anything) "raise the roof" he yelled "yeah raise the
roof" i yelled back. (unfortunately you needed a health scare to
reprioritize.) no thanks to the soap box, having me rile against them won´t
make an ounce of difference . . . i´m in the front row the front row with
popcorn. i get to see you see you close up oh the things that i´ve done for you
many a sitch a friend a man´s been left for you oh the books i´ve read for you
the tongues i´ve bitten for you many a new city for you many a risk taken for
you (not a single regret) I´ve
seen them kneel with
baited breath for the ritual i´ve
watched this experience raise them
to pseudo higher levels i´ve
watched them leave their families in
pursuit of your nirvana i´ve
seen them coming to line up from
switzerland and america
how
long will this take baba how
long have we been sleeping do
you see me hanging on to every
word you say how
soon will I be holy how
much will this cost guru how
much longer ´til you completely
absolve me
i´ve
seen them give their drugs up in
place of makeshift altars i´ve
heard them chanting kali
kali frantically i´ve
heard them rotely repeat your teachings
with elitism i´ve
seen them boasting robes and foreign
sandalwood beads i´ve
seen them overlooking god in their
own essence i´ve
seen their upward glances in
hopes of instant salvation i´ve
seen their righteousness mixed
without loving compassion i´ve
watched you smile as the
students bow to kiss your feet
give
me strengh all knowing one how
long ´til enlightenment how
much longer ´till you completely
absolve me how
´bout getting off of these antibiotics how
´bout stopping eating when i´m full up how
´bout them transparent dangling carrots how
´bout that ever elusive kudo
thank
you india thank
you terror thank
you disillusionment thank
you frailty thank
you consequence thank
you thank you silence
how
´bout me not blaming you for everything how
´bout me enjoying the moment for once how
´bout how good it feels to finaly forgive you how
´bout grieving it all one at a time
thank
you india thank
you terror thank
you disillusionment thank
you frailty thank
you consequence thank
you thank you silence
the
moment I let go of it was the moment i
got more than i could handle the
moment I jumped off of it was
the moment I touched down
how
´bout no longer being masochistic how
´bout remembering your divinity how
´bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out how
´bout not equating death with stopping
thank
you india thank
you providence thank
you disillusionment thank
you nothingness thank
you clarity thank
you thank you silence are
you still mad I kicked you out of bed? are
you still mad I gave you ultimatums? are
you still mad I compared you to all mt
forty year old male friends? are
you still mad I shared our problems with
everybody?
are
you still mad I had an emotional affair? are
you still mad I tried to mold you into who
I wanted you to be? are
you still mad I didn´t trust your intentions? of
course you are of
course you are
are
you still mad that I flirted wildly? are
you still mad I had a tendency to mother you? are
you still mad that I had one foot out the door? are
you still mad that we slept together even after we
had ended it? of
course you are of
course you are
are
you still mad I wore the pants most of the time? are
you still mad that I seemed to focus only
on your potential? are
you still mad that I threw in the towel? are
you still mad that I gave up long before you did? of
course you are of
course you are I
was afraid you´d hit me if I spoken up I was afraid of your physical strength I
was afaid you´d hit below the belt I was afraid of your sucker punch I was
afraid of your reducing me I was afraid of your alcohol breath I was afraid of
your complete disregard for me I was afraid of your temper I was afraid of
handles being flown off I was afraid of holes being punched into walls I was
afraid of your testosterone
I
have as much rage as you have I
have as much pain as you do i´ve
lived as much hell as you have and
i´ve kept mine bubbling under for you
you
were my best friend you
were my lover you
were my mentor you
were my brother you
were my partner you
were my teacher you
were my very own sympathetic character
I
was afraid of verbal daggers I was afraid of the calm before the storm I was
afraid for my own bones I was afraid of your seduction I was afraid of your
coersion I was afraid of your rejection I was afraid of your intimidation I was
afraid of your punishment I was afraid of your icy silences I was afraid of your
volume I was afraid of your manipulation I was afraid of your explosions
I
have as much rage as you have I
have as much pain as you do i´ve
lived as much hell as you have and
i´ve kept mine bubbling under for you
chorus
chorus you
were my keeper you
were my anchor you
were my family you
were my saviour and
therein lay the issue and
therein lay the problem
that
i would be good even if i did nothing that
i would be good even if I got the thumbs down that
i would be good if I got and stayed sick that
i would be good even if I gained ten pounds
that
i would be fine even if i went bankrupt that
i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth that
i would be great if i was no longer queen that
i would be grand if i was not all knowing
that
i would be loved even when i numb myself that
i would be good even when i am overwhelmed that
i would be loved even when i was fuming that
i would be good even if i was clingy
that
i would be good even if i lost sanity that
i would be good whether
with or without you You
hadn´t seen my father in such a long time he
died in the arms of his lover how dare he your
mother never left the house she
never married anyone else you took it upon yourself to console her
you
reminded her so much of your father so
you were banished and you wonder why you´re so hypersensitive and
why you can´t trust anyone but us but
then how can I begin to forgive her so many years under bridges with dirty water
she
was foolish and selfish and cowardly if you ask me
i
don´t know where to begin in all of my 5o odd years i
have been silently suffering and adapting perpetuating and enduring who
are you younger generation to tell me that i have unresolved problems not
many examples of fruits of this type of excruciating labour
how
can you just throw words around like grieve and heal and mourn i
feel fine we may not have been born as awake as you were it
was much harder in those days we had paper routes uphill both ways we
went from school to a job to a wife to instant parenthood
i
walked into his office i felt so self-conscious on the couch he
was sitting down across from me he was writing down hypothesis i don´t know i´ve
got a loving supportive wife who doesn´t know how involved she should get you
say his interjecting was him just calling me on my shit?
just
the other day my sweet daughter i was driving past 203 i walked up the stairs in
my mind´s eye i
remember how they would creak loudly she
was only responsive with a drink he was only responsive by photo i
was only trying to be the best big brother i could
i´ve
walked sometimes confused sometimes ready to crack open wide sometimes
indignant sometimes raw can
you imagine I pay him 75 dollars an hour sometimes it
feels like highway robbery and
sometimes it´s peanuts i
wish it could last a couple more hours
so
here we both are battling similiar demons (not coincidentally) you
see in getting beyond knowing it solely intellectually you´re not relinquishing
your majestry you
are wise you are warm you are corageus you are big and
I love you more now than I ever have in my whole life I'd
be lying if I said I was completely unscathed burn
the books they´ve got too many names and psychoses all
this incriminating evidence would surely haunt me if
someone broke into my house suits
in the living room do
you realize guys I was born in 1974 we´ve
got someone here to explain your publishing we
know how much you love to be in front of audiences
hopeful
you are schoolbound
you are naive
you are driven
you are
take
a trip to new york with your guardian and
your fake identification when
they said "is there something anything you´d
like to know young lady?" you
said "yes i´d like to know what kind of people i´ll
be dealing with"
precocious
you are headstrong
you are terrified
you are ahead
of your time you are
don´t
mind our staring but we´re
surprised you´re not in a far-gone asylum we´re
surprised you didn´t crack up lord
knows that we would´ve we
would´ve liked to have been there but
you keep pushing us away
resilient
you are big
time you are ruthless
you are precious
you are as
we were talking outside it was cold we were shivering yet warmed by the subject
matter my
wife is in the next room we´ve been having troubles you know please don´t tell
her or anyone but i need to talk to somebody you
said "wouldn´t it be a shame if i knew how great i was five minutes before
i died i´d be filled with such regret before i took my last breath" and I
said "you´re wiiling to tell me this now and
you´re not going to die any time soon" and
I said I haven´t been eating chicken or meat or anything and you said yes but
you´ve been wearing leather and laughed and said we´re at the top of the food
chain and
yes you´re still a fine woman and i cringed i
was hoping i was hoping we colud heal each other i
was hoping i was hoping we could be raw together we
left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60´s) said "good-bye sir
thank you for your business sir you´re succesful and established sir and we
like the frequency with which you dine here sir and
your money" and when i walked by "thank you too dear" I was all
pigtails and cords and
there was a day when i would´ve said something like "hey dude I could buy
and sell this place so kiss it" I
too once thought i was owed something I
was hoping i was hoping we could challenge each other i
was hoping i was hoping we could crack each other up I
too thought that when proved wrong i lost somehow i
too once thought life was cruel it´s
a cycle you think i´m withdrawing and gulit tripping you i think you´re
insensitive and
i don´t feel heard and i said do you believe we are fundamentally judgemental?
fundamentally evil? and
you said yes i said i don´t believe in revenge in right or wrong good or bad
you said "well
what about the man that i saw handcuffed in the emergency room bleeding after
beating his kid and she threw a shoe at his head. i
think that what he did was wrong and i would´ve had a hard time feeling
compassion for him" i
had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged. i
was hoping i was hoping we could dance together i
was hoping i was hoping we could be creamy together
I´ve been undeniably jealous I have been loud and pretentious I have been utterly threatened I´ve gotten candy for my self-interest the sexy treadmill capitalist heaven forbid i be criticized heaven forbid i be ignored
I have abused my power forgive me you mean we actually we are all one one one one one one one one I´ve been out of reach and separatist heaven forbid average (whatever average means) I have compensated for my days of powerlessness
I have abused my so-called power forgive me you mean we actually are all one one one one one one one one
did you just call her amazing? surely we both can be amazing! and give up my hard earned status as fabulous freak of nature?
I have abused my power forgive me you mean we actually are all one one one one one one one one always looked good on paper sounded good in theory
if i make a lot of tinsel then people will want to if i am hardened no fear of further abandonment if i am famous then maybe i´ll feel good in this skin if i am cultured my words will somehow garner respect i would throw a party still it would not come i would bike run swim and still it would not come i´d go travelling and still it would not come i would starve myself and still it would not come if i am masculine i will be taken more seriously if i take a break it would make me irresponsible if i´me elusive i will surely be sought after often if i need asistance then i must be incapable i´d be filthy rich and still it would not come i would seduce them and still it would not come i would drink vodka and still it would not come i´d have an orgasm still it wouldn´t come if i accumulate knowledge i´ll be impenetrable if i am aloof no one will know when they strike a nerve if i keep my mouth shut the boat will not have to be rocked if i am vulnerable i will be trampled upon i would go shopping and still it would not come i´d leave the country and still it would not come i would scream and rebel still it would not come i would stuff my face and still it would not come i´d be productive and still it would not come i´d be celebrated still it would not come i´d be the hero and still it would not come i´d
renunciate and still it would not come
dear matthew I like you a lot I realize you ´re in a relationship with someone right now and i respect that i would like you to know that if you´re ever single in the future and you want to come visit me in california i would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song dear jonathan I liked you too much I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time i used to say the more tragic the better the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday dear terrance I loved you muchly you´ve been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me I kept drawing you in and pushing you away i remember how beatiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself what was wrong with me dear marcus you rocked my world you has a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn´t let me get away with kicking my own ass but i could never really feel realxed and looked out for around you though and that stopped us from going any further than we did and it´s kinda too bad we could´ve had much more fun dear
lou we learned so much i
realize we won´t be able to talk for some time and i understand that as i do
you the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could we
were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives i will always have your
back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts You
from new york you are so relevant you
reduce me to cosmic tears luminous
more so than most anyone unapologetically
alive knot in my stomach and
lump in my throat i
love you when you dance whe you freestyle in trance so
pure such an expression supposed
former infatuation junkie i
sink three pointers and you wax poetically i
love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance so
pure such an expression let´s
grese the wheel over tea let´s
discuss things in confidence let´s
be outspoken let´s be ridiculous let´s
solve the world´s problems i
love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance so
pure such an expression
dear dar(lin') your mom (my friend) left a message on my machine she was frantic saying you were talking crazy that you wanted to do away with yourself i guess she thought i´d be a perfect resort because we´ve had this inexplicable connection since our youth and yes they´re in shock they are panicked you and your chronic them and their drama you this embarrasment us in the middle of this delusion if we were our bodies if we were our futures if we were our defenses i´d be joining you if we were our culture if we were our leaders if we were our denials i´d be joining you i remember vividly a day years ago we were camping you knew more than you thought you shoud know you said "I don´t ever want to be brainwashed" and you were mindboggling you were intense you were uncomfortable in your own skin you were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful if we were our nametags if we were our rejections if we were our outcomes i´d be joining you if we were our indignities if we were our successes if we were our emotions i´d be joining you you and i we´re like 4 year olds we want to know why and how come about everything we want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds and never talk small and be intuitive and question mightily and find god my tortured beacon we need to find like-minded companions if we were their condemnations if we were their projections if we were our paranoias i´d be joining you if we were our incomes if we were our obsessions if we were our afflictions i´d be joining you we
need reflection we need a really good memory feel free to call me a little more
often you
are the original template you
are the original exemplary how
seen were you actually? how
revered were you (honestly) at the time? why
pleased with your low maintenance? you
loved us more than we could´ve loved you back where
was your ally your partner in feminine crime? oh
mother who´s your buddy? oh
mother who´s got you back? the
heart of the house the
heart of the house all
hail the goddess! you
were "good ol´ " you
were "count on 'er 'til four am" you
saw me run from the house in
the snow melodramatically oh
mother who´s your sister? oh
mother who´s your friend? the
heart of the house the
heart of that house all
hail the goddess! we
left the men and we went for a walk in the gatineaus and
talked like women like women to women would womyn
to womyn would "where did you get taht from? must´ve
been your father your dad" I
got it from you I got it from you do
you see me yourself in my gypsy garage sale ways? in
my fits of laughter? in
my tinkerbell tendencies? in
my lack of colour coordination?
i wouldn´t have compromised as much so much of myself for fear of having you hating me I would´ve sung so loudly it would´ve cracked myself! I became self-conscious of anything exuberant i wouldn´t have sold myself short i wouldn´t have kept my eyes glued to the ground if i had´ve known my invisibility would not make a difference i would ´ve run around screaming proudly at the top of my voice i wouldn´t have said it was in fact luck i´m taking idealism here i would not have been so deprecating i wouldn´t have cowered for fear of having my eyes scratched out! i wouldn´t have cut my comfort off i wouldn´t have feigned needlessness i wouldnot have discredited every one of their compliments it was your approval i wanted your
congratulations
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